30 stages of getting back into dating

  1. Right, breakup schmakeup, let’s get back onto the dating scene
  2. Hmm I work in a 99% female environment
  3. I’ve also already dated all eligible friends-of-friends
  4. Ok, back to the internet we go
  5. Going to stick with just Bumble, I mean I’m the one who needs to make the first move here, so that’s me reclaiming my power right?
  6. Yay setting up a new profile, fun times
  7. Looks like no one’s taken a decent picture of me since 2014…
  8. How do I sum up myself in a couple of lines? #existentialcrisis
  9. Ok photos chosen, witty-yet-modest profile written, COME AT ME BOYS
  10. **Swipes left for half an hour
  11. Beginning to remember why I deleted this thing in the first place…
  12. Oo hello tall guy working in London with a cute dog, righty swipey for you
  14. Crap, need to come up with an opening line that is suave and funny and flirty and not at all desperate or boring
  15. Shit this is really hard
  16. Does sending an emoji count? How does Bumble qualify these things??
  17. ‘Hi how’s your week going?’
  18. Good work Charlotte, good work
  19. Now the guy has only 24 hours to respond?! Most of my friends take at least two days to reply to WhatsApp messages, let alone someone I’ve never even met!!
  20. What’s the etiquette on swiping right on someone you matched with on Tinder about a year ago?
  21. At least it’s comforting to know that I’m not the only one trying and failing to meet someone
  22. Oo hello new match, let’s see who you are
  23. Hmm.  Must have been a drunk right swipe…
  24. Ok chats are developing with Cute Dog Guy, I feel a date coming on
  25. **2 days later** Christ I’m not here for a pen pal, just ask me out for a drink dammit
  26. Oh hello, look at all these new matches
  27. Three chats going on, such a player right now
  28. And all three of them have asked me out for a drink! Get in
  29. Hmm, this week and next week are already pretty busy. Forgot how time-consuming this dating thing is
  30. It’s Friday night and I’m meant to be going on a date but all I want to do is get into loungewear and eat pizza and watch Netflix. Maybe I’m not so ready for this dating thing after all…


20 steps to kicking your carb habit

  1. Right, a bread-and-pasta-free life, let’s do this
  2. Oh hello home-made sourdough rolls in a swanky restaurant, don’t mind if I do
  3. Dammit, re-start in the morning
  4. Ok I’ve made it through three days with no bread or pasta, that means I’m allowed a sandwich right?
  5. OMG Pret baguette I’ve missed you, come to me in all your carby buttery glory
  6. Back to the drawing board
  7. I’ve made it through a whole week and I feel awesome, go me!
  8. *Starts preaching about a gluten-free life to anyone who will/won’t listen*
  9. Yeah but I still eat cake. Cos it’s not bread or pasta you see
  10. Look at me I’ve lost 3 kilos! I’m the best!  I’m going to tell everyone about my newfound lifestyle and how it’s amazing and how I’m never going back to daily gluten consumption levels
  11. Did someone say pizza?!
  12. Give me all the pizza
  13. Pizza I love you, you are my one and only, I’m sorry I abandoned you for so long
  14. Ok that was a hungover Sunday so technically doesn’t count, but will do extra crunches at the gym tomorrow just to make sure
  15. Hmm I want to do a big workout, and that means carb-loading right?
  16. If there’s pasta in my salad, does that make it healthy pasta?
  17. I miss peanut butter. And jam.  And Marmite.  And cheese.  And bacon sandwiches.  And poached eggs and avo on toast cos I’m like totally fashionable
  18. But I feel great! Have so much more energy!  Fit into clothes better!  And I know all my friends and colleagues really appreciate me pointing all the negatives in their choice of sandwich or plate of spaghetti carbonara
  19. I’m not eating bread or pasta so can definitely afford to drink a bit more this evening, I’m in a calorie deficit after all
  20. So hungover.  Can’t move.  Can’t leave the house for supplies.  But I’m hungry.  Oo there’s some sliced bread in the freezer…