Hi Tinder, we need to talk…

Big news people – I have deleted Tinder.  And no, it’s not because I have a boyfriend (here’s hoping).  Call it boredom, call it becoming disenchanted with variations on ‘hey babe, wanna come over?’ messages, call it giving up on the whole dating thing for a while…  Whatever you want to call it, it’s happened.  Ciao Tinder, it’s been an interesting couple of years, but I’m done.

How do I feel?  Any withdrawal symptoms?  Other than missing the occasional ego boost – no!  Perhaps it’s because this is the first time in ages that I’m not on tenterhooks the whole time, waiting to hear back from some random guy who looks vaguely attractive in photos, and might even be attractive in person, but will inevitably turn out to be a big disappointment.  I can focus on other things (friends, exercise, career, writing etc.) and not worry that committing to Thursday and Friday night plans will take out the two key date nights of the week.

My Tinder experience has been something of an emotional rollercoaster, and while I certainly could have done without the lows, everything has overall been a learning experience.  Heartbreak – it sucks but ultimately time heals everything.  Being ghosted – the guys who do this aren’t worth your time or energy.  The man who you date for a while but doesn’t want to commit to anything – enjoy it for what it is and don’t get too attached.  That person who calls you three times before you’ve even met and says that you might be The One – run for the hills.  I think it’s fair to say I’ve had a very broad experience of the thing…

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If anything, Tinder has made me realise what I do and don’t want in a relationship.  When I first downloaded the app way back in 2013, I had recently been through a break-up and needed a distraction and a little self-validation (don’t be shocked, nearly everyone does it).  Those criteria were quickly filled, and gradually my attitude towards dating changed.  I’m now not ashamed to say that I want a boyfriend, but it’s taken me this long to realise that I’m not going to find one on Tinder.

So here we are, new year, new attitude, and a phone with more memory due to a lack of dating apps.  I’m giving this whole ‘once you stop looking it will happen’ thing a go, and am already far happier as a result.  And to highlight the fact that I’ve done the right thing, something popped up on Buzzfeed today that proves you never really know who you’re talking to:

Last Autumn I matched with Jake – attractive doctor, from Surrey, based just outside of London.  Jake also had a husky.  Jake basically was the dream.  We exchanged messages over Tinder for a couple of days, by which time I thought it was appropriate to suggest transferring to WhatsApp and gave him my number.  I never heard from him again.  Sick burn dude…  But hey, these things happen.  Jake was promptly forgotten, no doubt replaced by the next Tinder Tom/Dick/Asshat to come my way.  It wasn’t until my lunch-hour scroll through Buzzfeed today that I remembered all about Jake.  Why?  Because Jake is actually called Mikhail Varshavski, is a doctor based in New Jersey, has been named People Magazine’s ‘Sexiest Doctor Alive’, and has over 1.2million Instagram followers.  He’s on Buzzfeed because he’s offering up the opportunity to go on a date with him at a charity auction.

So yeah, I got well and truly catfished.  ‘Jake’ had simply used Dr Varshavski’s Instagram photos to create a profile.  What could be easier?  The moral of the story is: if something’s too good to be true, it probably is.

What can else can I say Tinder?  It’s not you it’s me, I’m just not in the right head space at the moment, you’re taking up too much of my time, I just want to be on my own for a bit, and every other break-up platitude that I’ve heard in the last three years.  It’s been a journey, but we’re through.



Bone, sandpaper, desert

The term ‘Dry Patch’ is most commonly associated with a lack of, erm, intimate relations with a member of the opposite sex (or same, depending on your preferences) for a sustained period of time.  Most of us will have had one, maybe some of you are going through one right now.  Christmas and New Year are over, few people are going out, and that lovely tradition of Dry January means that drunken hook-ups are few and far between.

Then there are the different kind of Dry Patches: work, creativity, and – what I’m currently experiencing – dating.  My dating dry patch is the result of several factors:

  1. Christmas and New Year is a bad time to start having dates – lack of availability before December 25th (too many parties to go to) then it would seem most of London, myself included, high-tailed it off to the country for over a week.  Hardly prime dating time
  2. Having been hitting the dating scene hard for the last few months, I’ve experienced something of a burn-out.  Tiredness and a serious case of can’t-be-arsed have set in, and at the moment I’d rather spend time with friends and family than a guy who may or may not make me laugh and feel good about myself (whereas friends/family always do)
  3. With the aforementioned burn-out has come something of a knock to my confidence.  Going on several dates with guys (not all at the same time obvs) then never hearing from them again hasn’t exactly left me feeling cocky about my own charms or powers of attraction
  4. Is it just me or has the standard of men out there suddenly taken a sharp dip?  The various online sites I’ve been using used to be full of hotties; now I’m offered a screen full of Average Joes.  Meh…
  5. One of my New Year’s resolutions is to not let affect my love life (or lack thereof) affect my overall emotional well-being, so what better way to achieve this than avoid men as much as possible?
  6. I genuinely enjoy being single.  I can do what I want, when I want, and not have to consult with anyone about my plans
  7. Valentines Day is a month away, which means that starting to date anyone now would result in an awkward stand-off where no one wants to mention Feb 14th, ending in unavoidable disappointment (see here for more thoughts on V-Day).  Am I tempted to get myself in this predicament?  No thanks

So, why am I continuing to scroll through Tinder and check my online profiles?  Because, I’ll admit, it’s rather addictive.  And I’m still of the rather optimistic (misguided?) frame of mind that maybe, just maybe, someone will come along and change my mind on most, if not all, the above points.  In the process of explaining my blog combined with my online dating antics, most people will ask me if I’m looking for The One.  Short answer: no.  But, I hasten to add, dating is fun!  I love meeting new people,  I’ve tried new dating activities (climbing date anyone?), I’ve been taken to some amazing restaurants and bars in the past 6 months or so (oh Mr Hedge Fund, why did you do a Houdini?), and whilst there have certainly been some horror stories, there have been some very decent dates to dilute them.

Long story short, if someone came along tomorrow and swept me off my feet I wouldn’t say ‘hold on there buddy, can you come back in about a month?’.  But I’m actually rather enjoying my dry patch.  I’m not checking my phone every five seconds, I can go for over a week without shaving my legs, I suddenly have a lot more time for other people (including myself), and this time in a month I won’t be disappointed when I don’t get a pretty red or pink envelope and a large bunch of flowers delivered to my desk.

So, who wants to come out and get rip-roaring drunk with me on V-day…?!


Two for the price of one?

Given the rather prolific online dating activity I’ve been experiencing over the last few months, you’d have thought I’d seen it all by now.  The weirdos, the freaks, the nice guys, the bad guys, the ones with a foot fetish…  I thought there was little that the internet could throw up that would surprise me.

I was wrong.


Now is it just me, or is this just the laziest form of online dating ever?  I can only begin to imagine how that initial conversation went.

A: Mate, let’s try out this internet dating thing

B: Yeah mate, but I really can’t be arsed to write a whole profile.  That shit is loooong.

A: True mate, standard…. I know, we could just set up one page for the two of us

B: Genius idea mate!  Girls will love that shit!


I understand that life is short, and I know well enough that many people are looking for a quick fix when it comes to finding someone for some casual fun.  But stating in your profile that your best quality is threesomes??  Come on.

Yesterday I received a message from buy1-get1-free, inviting me to go for a drink with the two of them.  Strangely enough, the offer didn’t appeal.  As much as I’m up for trying slightly out-of-the-ordinary dating scenarios (running, climbing etc.), the idea of going for what would essentially some bizarre interview/threesome situation just really doesn’t do it for me.

I’d love to know if these guys actually had any success with this BOGOF approach.  And then give the girls who went for a it a severe talking to.  Fools.

21 questions

In my opinion, one of the positives of this whole online dating malarkey is that you can get to know someone on your own terms, on your own time, and get all of the boring what-do-you-do-where-do-you-come-from stuff out of the way without desperately looking for the nearest exit from the bar.  I’m not averse to guys asking questions, it is after all a natural part of assessing someone’s personality and making a slightly more informed decision on whether you’d want to go on a date with that person.

However, there are different approaches when it comes to directing questions.  From my experience so far, the casual insert-the-odd-question-into-a-longer-message option seems to work best.  More inquisitive, less nosy.  Then there’s the less subtle track: ‘Wanna go for drinks then my place tonight hot stuff??’  Erm, no.  And then there’s the overload-and-hope-for-the-best tactic.

Can you tell me about yourself?? like…..

what is you’re greatest quality or trait?

if money wasnt an issue and you could visit any place , where would it be and why?

which animal do you most relate to?

if you could acquire a certain skill without the risk of failure or without putting any effort, what skilll would you acquire and why?

what movie or book do you like most?

whats your greatest passion in life?

ok..last question…..kinda weird, but what do you think of your nose??!!………………….. lol…its good..i like it..seems to give you a personality! anyhow…..



Yes this was all one message, and yes it was the first message I’d ever received from this guy.  Given my pedantry when it comes to grammar and punctuation, he was never on to a winner in the first place.  Also, way to go on making me even more insecure about my nose!  Maybe he’s missed out on a career as an interrogation specialist…

Many People Thinking of Questions

Another example of oddness

Here’s another extract from an online dating inbox of mine:

Hey, listen, I’m just going to be straight forward with you, so that I don’t waste your time. I’m A***** and I think that you are stunning.

So far so good…

I really haven’t got time for a relationship, plus I’m too picky, but I miss the physical stuff: kissing, cuddling, I love pleasuring, my partner : like going down, fingering and whatever.

Ok, clearly after a sex friend (or whatever terminology you’d like to use), plus poor use of punctuation.  Both immediately cancel this guy out but might as well read to the end of the message.

I don’t mind sex and prefer not to receive, it just doesn’t do much for me plus I see it as disrespectful towards the girl.

‘Prefer not to receive’?!  Does that mean he just wants to, erm, service but not get anything in return?  And receiving the attentions of a girl doesn’t do much for him??  Either this guy is sexually confused or is just plain odd.

Would you be interested for something like that?

No, I wouldn’t.  And guess how old this guy was.

Nineteen!!!  Well done internet, you’ve thrown up yet another weird one.  Bravo.



The more I explore the world of online dating, the less I understand men.  You would have thought that with the rate of dates I’ve experienced over the last few months I’d gain something of an insight into the male psyche.  As it would turn out, I’m more confused than ever.

Take this message, for example:

Let me guess….
I’d say you’ve dated in the last month, maybe a kiss…no sex for 3-4 months…
You don’t believe in masterbation because it shows a lack of self control?

Spelling error aside (what guy can’t spell masturbation properly, surely it’s one of their most common activities??), this little communication left me stumped.  Where was this guy getting these assumptions from?  And WHY was he then passing them on to me?  Fine, I get that a lot of people do the online thing just for a laugh, and use the lovely cover of internet anonymity to say cheesy/sexist/inappropriate/rude/abusive things (for my thoughts on this, read this article).

But, I’m still a bit bamboozled by these kinds of approaches.  The whole thing just seems rather pointless.  Aren’t there any normal guys out there?

I thought I met one a while back.  After a rather unorthodox first date (see this post for Single Chicks for more details) things seemed to be going well.  The guy in question even went as far to suggest that he might want ‘something more serious’ to happen (which completely freaked me out, but that’s besides the point), and sent a couple of messages along the lines of ‘I miss you, when can we next see each other?’.  I replied in a casual manner (NOT ‘omg miss you too babes can’t wait to see you again’; hardly my style).  Have I heard anything since?  Nope.  Not a sausage.  Which begs the question: why imply that you want something more serious and then disappear?  Again, the fact that I didn’t really want anything more serious isn’t the point here.  But why say something and then carry out actions that say something completely different?

Now, I’m not some kind of psychotic bunny boiler that’s going to hassle men until I get the answers I want.  ‘Why haven’t you messaged me back?  Why did you say that but then disappear?  Tell me NOW!!’  This is where the phrase he’s just not that into you needs to be applied again and again.  One of my colleagues phrased it particularly well: if he wants to see you, he’ll get in touch.  Plus, I have my pride.

Even so, telling myself that the guys that disappear just aren’t that into me doesn’t completely satisfy my inquisitive nature.  Even a simple ‘I had fun but let’s call it a day’ text would do.  At least that puts a line under the whole thing.

Men will frequently say ‘I just don’t get women!’.  Well, chaps – right back at ya.


50 shades of something kinda kinky

So here’s another little gem that I stumbled across on an online dating website (a bog-standard run-of-the-mill one FYI).  Half of me was tempted to strike up a conversation just to see what guy has to say for himself.  But then again, given his ‘dark’ side, I think that’s a can of worms best left unopened…

Hi, I’m ***. I live in London and I’m looking for a sub / slave / babygirl / play thing.

I’ve been into BDSM for about three years now, I was in a Daddy babygirl relationship for two years of that and we saw a few other female subs together too. I am now single.

I totally can’t help myself and crave a sub in my life, vanilla really doesn’t do it for me, so I’m here to prey on the pretty ones 😉 I am incredibly sexual, and can be quite dark in terms of what I like. Though I’m pretty adaptable to different tastes.

I’m very open and honest, I really don’t ever lie. Hasn’t gotten me all that far yet but I still believe it’s the best policy.

I’m Dominant and love to be very strict, and need a girl that understands what is expected. I also have a silly and playful side to me when you get to know me.

I’m open as to what I’m looking for in terms of a relationship, play partner, sub, more etc. All depends on the girl, and her actions!

Ask me anything you like.

I get a fair few messages so criteria:
18-27 years, 5’7″ max height, dress size 6-10. Also please tell me your BDSM interests, and what you are after. If you’re outside this range it’s gotta be very hot for me to be interested, but I’m always open to interesting proposals. Also, I’m attracted to black, white & far eastern girls.

And PLEASE. I have heard the 50 Shades comment 1000 times.

Seriously, you can’t write all that and not expect some 50 Shades comments.  I can’t help but feel this guy would do better on a slightly more specialist website.  The more I investigate this online dating thing, the more I realise what a vast range of weirdos live in and around London.  Give me strength…

You cannot be serious

This gem appeared in an online dating inbox of mine:

First of all thanks for reading my message. After reading your profile I can say that I am interested in knowing you more. You can have a look at my profile. Me and my friend would be interested in meeting. I can email his pic thru email.
I don’t use this website often so if you don’t see me online just text me on my number 07*******43.
Hope to hear from you soon. Xx

‘Me and my friend’??  Either that’s a euphemism or I’ve just received an invitation to a threesome.  And there you have, in a nutshell, why I have deleted my Plenty Of Fish account.  Plenty Of Freaks more like…


Online antics

Most people will know by now that I’m giving the whole online dating thing a bit of a go.  It’s been an interesting ride so far, but what I didn’t realise at the beginning is how weird/awful/sleazy/rude a lot of people can be.  Guess I was somewhat naive…

So… to give you lovely readers a taste of what’s been going on, I’ve been avidly screen-shotting for the past few weeks.  I’ve also been (whisper it now) a bit of a bitch to some.  Or as I like to look at it, relentlessly honest.


It’s a compliment, I guess…


Clearly the truth is hard to accept sometimes


Definitely not worth my time


Nothing like being clear with what you want…


What can say I’m a real stickler for good grammar


I think this guy is in Witness Protection…Image

There is a line between showing some skin and indecent exposure.  This guy crossed it.


I don’t think this guy understands the meaning of sarcasm


Immediate block


I mean, we haven’t even swapped numbers yet!


I don’t think he’s mastered the art of self-promotion


 Everyone loves a selfie…


This one needs help


Yes it was.  Which is why I didn’t reply to your message. Fool.


Nothing like highlighting someone’s errors


Well I guess this goes against the norm

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And finally…  This guy is going to die alone