Hi Tinder, we need to talk…

Big news people – I have deleted Tinder.  And no, it’s not because I have a boyfriend (here’s hoping).  Call it boredom, call it becoming disenchanted with variations on ‘hey babe, wanna come over?’ messages, call it giving up on the whole dating thing for a while…  Whatever you want to call it, it’s happened.  Ciao Tinder, it’s been an interesting couple of years, but I’m done.

How do I feel?  Any withdrawal symptoms?  Other than missing the occasional ego boost – no!  Perhaps it’s because this is the first time in ages that I’m not on tenterhooks the whole time, waiting to hear back from some random guy who looks vaguely attractive in photos, and might even be attractive in person, but will inevitably turn out to be a big disappointment.  I can focus on other things (friends, exercise, career, writing etc.) and not worry that committing to Thursday and Friday night plans will take out the two key date nights of the week.

My Tinder experience has been something of an emotional rollercoaster, and while I certainly could have done without the lows, everything has overall been a learning experience.  Heartbreak – it sucks but ultimately time heals everything.  Being ghosted – the guys who do this aren’t worth your time or energy.  The man who you date for a while but doesn’t want to commit to anything – enjoy it for what it is and don’t get too attached.  That person who calls you three times before you’ve even met and says that you might be The One – run for the hills.  I think it’s fair to say I’ve had a very broad experience of the thing…

photo (14)

If anything, Tinder has made me realise what I do and don’t want in a relationship.  When I first downloaded the app way back in 2013, I had recently been through a break-up and needed a distraction and a little self-validation (don’t be shocked, nearly everyone does it).  Those criteria were quickly filled, and gradually my attitude towards dating changed.  I’m now not ashamed to say that I want a boyfriend, but it’s taken me this long to realise that I’m not going to find one on Tinder.

So here we are, new year, new attitude, and a phone with more memory due to a lack of dating apps.  I’m giving this whole ‘once you stop looking it will happen’ thing a go, and am already far happier as a result.  And to highlight the fact that I’ve done the right thing, something popped up on Buzzfeed today that proves you never really know who you’re talking to:

Last Autumn I matched with Jake – attractive doctor, from Surrey, based just outside of London.  Jake also had a husky.  Jake basically was the dream.  We exchanged messages over Tinder for a couple of days, by which time I thought it was appropriate to suggest transferring to WhatsApp and gave him my number.  I never heard from him again.  Sick burn dude…  But hey, these things happen.  Jake was promptly forgotten, no doubt replaced by the next Tinder Tom/Dick/Asshat to come my way.  It wasn’t until my lunch-hour scroll through Buzzfeed today that I remembered all about Jake.  Why?  Because Jake is actually called Mikhail Varshavski, is a doctor based in New Jersey, has been named People Magazine’s ‘Sexiest Doctor Alive’, and has over 1.2million Instagram followers.  He’s on Buzzfeed because he’s offering up the opportunity to go on a date with him at a charity auction.

So yeah, I got well and truly catfished.  ‘Jake’ had simply used Dr Varshavski’s Instagram photos to create a profile.  What could be easier?  The moral of the story is: if something’s too good to be true, it probably is.

What can else can I say Tinder?  It’s not you it’s me, I’m just not in the right head space at the moment, you’re taking up too much of my time, I just want to be on my own for a bit, and every other break-up platitude that I’ve heard in the last three years.  It’s been a journey, but we’re through.

Delete

 

Can I buy you a drink?

Given that the last six months or so have resulted in a rather prolific rate of Tinder swiping, online dating profile writing, dating, and then blogging, many people have asked me the same question: why don’t you just meet people normally?  Gosh well thanks, I’d never even thought of that…

So my response is this:

A. Of course I’d like to meet someone in a normal situation, and all of my past relationships have come about because of ‘normal situations’, but dating is fun and can be pretty simple

B. Have YOU tried meeting someone in London?  This place is huge!  And when I’m on a night out I’m more focused on having a good time with my friends than eyeing up someone across a dimly-lit bar.

C. I genuinely HATE being chatted up on a night out, and this brings me to the main topic of this post…

I would imagine that nearly all girls have had the same experience as me.  You’re on a night out with some friends, you’re all having a good time, you go to the bar to get the next round in.  Next thing you know, some midget with coffee breath is just dying to buy your drinks for you whilst at the same time trying to race through all those ‘do you come here often?’ questions.

It is one of life’s great conundrums – why is it always the guys who you don’t want to chat you up who do the chatting up??  Now, if a guy is witty and charming and funny I might be able to get over the lack of height and the halitosis, but this has never happened.  I also take issue with the unwritten rule that if a guy buys you a drink, then you owe him something a bit more than a few minutes of conversation.  Last year a girlfriend and I were in a bar in the City, and a group of guys who were there ended up buying our drinks for us.  We were polite, said thank you, hung out with them for a while, then decided to take our leave from our new pals and go elsewhere in the multi-levelled venue.  Apparently, this was a bad choice on our part.  Various insults were thrown our way, including ‘sluts’ and ‘bitches’, and no matter how many times we tried to escape this group of so-called gents, they just seemed to be everywhere.  If we’d known this was going to happen, we never would have accepted those drinks.

Then there are the guys who seem to think that certain topics are acceptable when trying to woo a girl on a night out.  One incident where a guy mentioned rohypnol within the first three minutes come to mind.  To all the men that read this, this is never EVER an acceptable form of ‘banter’.  It just isn’t funny, and you never know the history of the girl you’re speaking to.  Just steer clear of rohypnol OK?

Any girl will tell you that there are many more aspects of being chatted up that just simply don’t sit well with us.  Someone you don’t know invading your personal space with no invitation, someone bending your ear about a topic that is incredibly boring, someone monopolising your attention when you’d much rather be dancing with your mates or flirting with the hot friend of a friend who just showed up… the list goes on.

Of course, there are the rare times when we get chatted up by a guy that actually piques our interest, and there could be any number of reasons why we say yes to one man and no to another.  Interesting conversation, chemistry, attractiveness etc.  So I’m not saying that guys shouldn’t approach women and attempt to chat them up.  My point is, they should learn to realise when their advances are not being reciprocated, and should learn to bow out gracefully.

Key indicators that your chat-up lines are not working (and this applies to girls too):

  • The other person is turning their body away from you, or is trying to establish at least a foot of clear space between you
  • His/her friends come over to drag him/her onto the dance floor and he/she puts up no resistance at all
  • He/she makes no attempt to keep the conversation going
  • He/she does not want to come outside with you for a cigarette
  • He/she says ‘look, it was nice to meet you but I’m just here to have a good night out with my friends’

chatup

 

Serious case of cba

Much has been said about how our generation expects everything NOW, whether it’s money, fame, success, happiness, love etc.  Most of us have been told that the world is our oyster, and as  result there’s an expectation of things to come to us freely and easily with little or no effort from our side.  And I’m beginning to think that this attitude extends to sex.

Now, it’s nothing new that people want to have sex, and that they want it often.  Nor is it surprising that not everyone wants to invest in three dates and dinner in order to get down and dirty.  But recent events have highlighted just how lazy some people (and yes I’m talking about guys here) are when it comes to getting laid.

I understand that Tinder has gained a certain reputation for being used for easy hook-ups, and I have nothing against that as a concept.  After all, that radius setting is there for a reason right?  But I’ve really begun to question what kind of girl it takes to receive a message from a guy saying ‘hey hot stuff, fancy coming round to my place?’ and replying with ‘sure, I’ll be there in 10’.  Now I’m by no means frigid, but I really do draw the line at going round to the house of someone I’ve never met before just to get it on.  In the past week, I’ve had two guys offer me their, erm, ‘hospitality’, without ever having met them and with only a few brief messages exchanged.

Tinder2

Or

Tinder1

Call me a cynic, but I’m pretty sure I know what ‘small spoon’ and ‘massage’ are alluding to.  So having gently rebuffed these oh-so generous offers, did I hear from either guy again?  Nope.  So that’s it?  A girl you’ve never met before doesn’t come round to your house the minute you ask her and that’s as much effort you’re willing to put in?  Like I said, I totally understand that the majority of Tinder users (especially the male ones) are just in it for an easy lay, but this is really testing the boundaries of laziness.

It also makes me wonder if this approach ever works.  I’d like to think that all girls are sensible enough to not drop their knickers at the snap of a Tinder lothario’s fingers, but the realist in me knows that somewhere out there some ladies are doing just that, and in the process ruining it for the rest of us.  Also, wouldn’t that be the most awkward situation ever?

Tinder Girl: Hey, you’re Tinder Guy right?

Tinder Guy: Sure am, come on in.

Tinder Girl: So, um, nice place you’ve got here…

Tinder Guy: Thanks… would you like a cup of tea or shall we just get straight to it?

I mean, it’s one step short of invoicing the guy for services rendered.

So, Alex/Luke/every other Tinder chap out there, sorry but you’re going to have to try a bit harder.

Two for the price of one?

Given the rather prolific online dating activity I’ve been experiencing over the last few months, you’d have thought I’d seen it all by now.  The weirdos, the freaks, the nice guys, the bad guys, the ones with a foot fetish…  I thought there was little that the internet could throw up that would surprise me.

I was wrong.

bogof

Now is it just me, or is this just the laziest form of online dating ever?  I can only begin to imagine how that initial conversation went.

A: Mate, let’s try out this internet dating thing

B: Yeah mate, but I really can’t be arsed to write a whole profile.  That shit is loooong.

A: True mate, standard…. I know, we could just set up one page for the two of us

B: Genius idea mate!  Girls will love that shit!

etc…..

I understand that life is short, and I know well enough that many people are looking for a quick fix when it comes to finding someone for some casual fun.  But stating in your profile that your best quality is threesomes??  Come on.

Yesterday I received a message from buy1-get1-free, inviting me to go for a drink with the two of them.  Strangely enough, the offer didn’t appeal.  As much as I’m up for trying slightly out-of-the-ordinary dating scenarios (running, climbing etc.), the idea of going for what would essentially some bizarre interview/threesome situation just really doesn’t do it for me.

I’d love to know if these guys actually had any success with this BOGOF approach.  And then give the girls who went for a it a severe talking to.  Fools.

21 questions

In my opinion, one of the positives of this whole online dating malarkey is that you can get to know someone on your own terms, on your own time, and get all of the boring what-do-you-do-where-do-you-come-from stuff out of the way without desperately looking for the nearest exit from the bar.  I’m not averse to guys asking questions, it is after all a natural part of assessing someone’s personality and making a slightly more informed decision on whether you’d want to go on a date with that person.

However, there are different approaches when it comes to directing questions.  From my experience so far, the casual insert-the-odd-question-into-a-longer-message option seems to work best.  More inquisitive, less nosy.  Then there’s the less subtle track: ‘Wanna go for drinks then my place tonight hot stuff??’  Erm, no.  And then there’s the overload-and-hope-for-the-best tactic.

Can you tell me about yourself?? like…..

what is you’re greatest quality or trait?

if money wasnt an issue and you could visit any place , where would it be and why?

which animal do you most relate to?

if you could acquire a certain skill without the risk of failure or without putting any effort, what skilll would you acquire and why?

what movie or book do you like most?

whats your greatest passion in life?

ok..last question…..kinda weird, but what do you think of your nose??!!………………….. lol…its good..i like it..seems to give you a personality! anyhow…..

laters,

T**

Yes this was all one message, and yes it was the first message I’d ever received from this guy.  Given my pedantry when it comes to grammar and punctuation, he was never on to a winner in the first place.  Also, way to go on making me even more insecure about my nose!  Maybe he’s missed out on a career as an interrogation specialist…

Many People Thinking of Questions

Another example of oddness

Here’s another extract from an online dating inbox of mine:

Hey, listen, I’m just going to be straight forward with you, so that I don’t waste your time. I’m A***** and I think that you are stunning.

So far so good…

I really haven’t got time for a relationship, plus I’m too picky, but I miss the physical stuff: kissing, cuddling, I love pleasuring, my partner : like going down, fingering and whatever.

Ok, clearly after a sex friend (or whatever terminology you’d like to use), plus poor use of punctuation.  Both immediately cancel this guy out but might as well read to the end of the message.

I don’t mind sex and prefer not to receive, it just doesn’t do much for me plus I see it as disrespectful towards the girl.

‘Prefer not to receive’?!  Does that mean he just wants to, erm, service but not get anything in return?  And receiving the attentions of a girl doesn’t do much for him??  Either this guy is sexually confused or is just plain odd.

Would you be interested for something like that?

No, I wouldn’t.  And guess how old this guy was.

Nineteen!!!  Well done internet, you’ve thrown up yet another weird one.  Bravo.

PIGFROG2

Huh?

The more I explore the world of online dating, the less I understand men.  You would have thought that with the rate of dates I’ve experienced over the last few months I’d gain something of an insight into the male psyche.  As it would turn out, I’m more confused than ever.

Take this message, for example:

Let me guess….
I’d say you’ve dated in the last month, maybe a kiss…no sex for 3-4 months…
You don’t believe in masterbation because it shows a lack of self control?

Spelling error aside (what guy can’t spell masturbation properly, surely it’s one of their most common activities??), this little communication left me stumped.  Where was this guy getting these assumptions from?  And WHY was he then passing them on to me?  Fine, I get that a lot of people do the online thing just for a laugh, and use the lovely cover of internet anonymity to say cheesy/sexist/inappropriate/rude/abusive things (for my thoughts on this, read this article).

But, I’m still a bit bamboozled by these kinds of approaches.  The whole thing just seems rather pointless.  Aren’t there any normal guys out there?

I thought I met one a while back.  After a rather unorthodox first date (see this post for Single Chicks for more details) things seemed to be going well.  The guy in question even went as far to suggest that he might want ‘something more serious’ to happen (which completely freaked me out, but that’s besides the point), and sent a couple of messages along the lines of ‘I miss you, when can we next see each other?’.  I replied in a casual manner (NOT ‘omg miss you too babes can’t wait to see you again’; hardly my style).  Have I heard anything since?  Nope.  Not a sausage.  Which begs the question: why imply that you want something more serious and then disappear?  Again, the fact that I didn’t really want anything more serious isn’t the point here.  But why say something and then carry out actions that say something completely different?

Now, I’m not some kind of psychotic bunny boiler that’s going to hassle men until I get the answers I want.  ‘Why haven’t you messaged me back?  Why did you say that but then disappear?  Tell me NOW!!’  This is where the phrase he’s just not that into you needs to be applied again and again.  One of my colleagues phrased it particularly well: if he wants to see you, he’ll get in touch.  Plus, I have my pride.

Even so, telling myself that the guys that disappear just aren’t that into me doesn’t completely satisfy my inquisitive nature.  Even a simple ‘I had fun but let’s call it a day’ text would do.  At least that puts a line under the whole thing.

Men will frequently say ‘I just don’t get women!’.  Well, chaps – right back at ya.

confused

50 shades of something kinda kinky

So here’s another little gem that I stumbled across on an online dating website (a bog-standard run-of-the-mill one FYI).  Half of me was tempted to strike up a conversation just to see what guy has to say for himself.  But then again, given his ‘dark’ side, I think that’s a can of worms best left unopened…

Hi, I’m ***. I live in London and I’m looking for a sub / slave / babygirl / play thing.

I’ve been into BDSM for about three years now, I was in a Daddy babygirl relationship for two years of that and we saw a few other female subs together too. I am now single.

I totally can’t help myself and crave a sub in my life, vanilla really doesn’t do it for me, so I’m here to prey on the pretty ones 😉 I am incredibly sexual, and can be quite dark in terms of what I like. Though I’m pretty adaptable to different tastes.

I’m very open and honest, I really don’t ever lie. Hasn’t gotten me all that far yet but I still believe it’s the best policy.

I’m Dominant and love to be very strict, and need a girl that understands what is expected. I also have a silly and playful side to me when you get to know me.

I’m open as to what I’m looking for in terms of a relationship, play partner, sub, more etc. All depends on the girl, and her actions!

Ask me anything you like.

I get a fair few messages so criteria:
18-27 years, 5’7″ max height, dress size 6-10. Also please tell me your BDSM interests, and what you are after. If you’re outside this range it’s gotta be very hot for me to be interested, but I’m always open to interesting proposals. Also, I’m attracted to black, white & far eastern girls.

And PLEASE. I have heard the 50 Shades comment 1000 times.

Seriously, you can’t write all that and not expect some 50 Shades comments.  I can’t help but feel this guy would do better on a slightly more specialist website.  The more I investigate this online dating thing, the more I realise what a vast range of weirdos live in and around London.  Give me strength…

You cannot be serious

This gem appeared in an online dating inbox of mine:

First of all thanks for reading my message. After reading your profile I can say that I am interested in knowing you more. You can have a look at my profile. Me and my friend would be interested in meeting. I can email his pic thru email.
I don’t use this website often so if you don’t see me online just text me on my number 07*******43.
Hope to hear from you soon. Xx

‘Me and my friend’??  Either that’s a euphemism or I’ve just received an invitation to a threesome.  And there you have, in a nutshell, why I have deleted my Plenty Of Fish account.  Plenty Of Freaks more like…

no-fishing